The chicken and the egg

KJ has always been a good eater. There is nothing she won’t try, and very few things she won’t eat again. Because of this we have been very open with her about what she is eating. If it is chicken we call it chicken. Jalapenos are jalapenos. Cheese is cheese. Sometimes she comes up with names of her own, like calling pepperoni macaroni, but we do not make up names to get her to eat something (like we do with AJ).

The other night KJ and I were cooking ramen noodles. She went to the fridge to get the egg and as she was starting to crack it she started crying. Fearing she burned herself, I took the egg from her and started checking her hand. She stopped crying and said “Mommy it not my hand, I am sad because I am eating a dead baby chicken” and then she started crying again. I tried not to laugh and asked her why she said she was eating a dead baby chicken and she said “An egg IS a dead baby chicken and I don’t like to eat baby chickens!” I hugged her and told her that the chicken is FROM an egg, but not a baby chicken. I said because it is here to be eaten proves it is not a baby chicken and instead just an egg.

KJ then wiped her eye and said “Really?”. I told her would I lie to you and then she said “Good! I love eggs. Mommy can I have 2?”

Doctors and Dentists and Shots, Oh My!

Last week KJ had to go to both the dentist and doctor to prepare for school. We went to the Dr first. We had a 215 appointment. We got there at 2, taken back at 2:05 and dr came in about 2:15. He did her exam and all was well. He was done about 2:40 and said he would be right back with the shots. He came back 5 minutes later and said she needed 5 shots.

While I am not a fan of that many shots in one session, I knew she needed them for school so I said order them up. He said the shots would be ready in 10 minutes. He left us and the wait began. At 3:20 I asked the nurse when we could expect the shots to be done. She said there was no shots order, then saw the order on the counter and said wait, actually they will be done in just about 5 minutes.

At 3:40 the kids had to go to the bathroom. I told the nurse we were going to the bathroom but would be right back in case the shots ever finish up. I was looked at like I had 3 heads. Well at about 3:45, just after we returned from the bathroom, there was a knock on the door and in walked the doctor. He was shocked to see us and asked if she was having a reaction to the shots. I said No, we haven’t gotten the shots yet. He looked very upset and left the room in a hurry. He came back a few minutes later and said that the delay was caused by having to get “pre-authorized” by the insurance for shots and promised they would be right in.

First of all, I KNOW that is not the policy. I have been going to that doctor for like 4 years and never had to get pre-authorized before. Secondly, AJ got shots just a few months ago and no pre-authorization then.

Anyway, at 4:00 the nurse came in. She prepped KJ for the shots. KJ was laughing and saying she was tickling her. Then the shots started. KJ screamed so loud. I could barely hold her down. After the 5 shots KJ was crying and the nurse was getting the band-aids for the shot spots. Well KJ saw the band-aids and stopped crying. She said “I love band-aids” and did not shed another tear.

The nurse, while putting on the band-aids, said I am so sorry. KJ looked at her and said “It’s OK you hurt me, it was an accident”. The nurse looked confused and started saying something and I interrupted and said yes KJ, it was an accident and won’t happen again. Then KJ went over and hugged the nurse and said again “It’s OK you hurt me, it was an accident”.

The next day she had to go to the dentist. It was her first dentist visit ever. I was really apprehensive because AJ has had only bad dentist visits, so S said he would take her. I sat at home, on pins and needles until they got home. When they got home it was nothing but good news. She had a GREAT time. She LOVED the dentist. She has NO CAVITIES. She can not wait to go back to the dentist. She had a complete and totally successful visit and she is now cleared to go back to Preschool!!!

Dad, you rock

AJ has a tendency to lose the remote to his TV. You HAVE to have the remote to switch back and forth between tv and the DVD payer. Well the other day the remote was lost. I could not ind it,. AJ could not find it, we were at a loss. The next morning while I was at work, AJ told dad about the remote. After an exhausting search the remote was found. To avoid the frustration in the future dad used Velcro to attach the remote to the TV. AJ was in hog heaven. Now his remote is always where it is needed and AJ and KJ can watch their DVDs in peace.

When AJ showed me what dad had done I sent him an email praising his quick thinking and letting him know how happy the kids were about the solution. Little did I know that it was done from sheer frustration and without a second thought. When I told him how much the kids and I appreciated it it put it into perspective and he went from being upset over the situation to happy to have spent the time with AJ.

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Lately AJ has been on a Wiggles kick. Although he is 5 and has been “over” the Wiggles for a while, he has a new found interest in them and wants them all the time. (of course he does, we just gave away all the DVD’s and shirts hahaha) Anyway, so he is on this Wiggles kick. I needed to take KJ to th DR and I needed AJ to go with us. Well he was excited about going until I told him he needed to get dressed. Then he became fixated on a Wiggles t-shirt he used to own. he HAD to have a Wiggle’s shirt or he was not going anywhere. Well, dad heard me and AJ discussing the other options when a brilliant idea struck. He took one of AJ’s white undershirts and a couple Sharpie pens and voila! there was a Wiggles tshirt. AJ was over the moon and happily put it on. We were able to leave on time for the appointment and AJ was happily contained the whole time because of the shirt.

Once again, something done out of frustration turned to be pure joy for another person. For that (and other things) I want to say a huge THANK YOU! You Rock!

A leak turned into a flood

I got very little sleep this weekend. I got only about 90 minutes Friday night before going to work on Saturday. After work Saturday I got no nap and was up until almost 2 am (23 hours) then up by 8 and no nap Sunday. I got 3 hours last night so I am really running out of steam.

Well, Sunday night, when I found myself at the end of the exhaustion road, I met my breaking point. I don’t know what set me off. All I know is I was heading to bed then next thing you know I was crying. Full fledged sobbing. Tears exploding from my eyes, snot running out of my nose, drool leaking from my mouth sobbing so hard I felt my chest would break open and spit out my heart.

I have not cried like that in, ummmmm, well ever. It came out of no where and totally consumed me. Luckily I was able to pull myself together in just a few minutes (about 5 or 10). I wiped my eyes, nose and mouth and went to bed.

Fast forward to today. I woke up feeling on the edge. Not that I would snap, but on the edge of the slippery slope that is sobbing. As I was driving to work it started. I composed myself quick enough but still walked in with red eyes.

After work I was feeling not only tired but emotionally drained. I went to take a nap, to recharge my battery, and woke up about 30 minutes later sobbing in my sleep.

Now this evening the sky has opened up and is dumping on us. And like the rain that has been gone too long, my tears have returned.

The kids are worried, so I keep leaving the room for short sobbing bursts. I hate when they see me cry. I hate worse when they see my sobbing.

I need to dam my emotions. Quickly. I can not continue with the sobbing. I need to pull it together.

Cooler temperatures and hotter tempers

(sorry if this post rambles, I had less than 2 hours sleep last night)

We have had a horrible dry spell this year in WA. We have also had record breaking heat. It is hard to believe we are so near the Puget Sound when it was breaking 103+ a day. However, over the course of last week our highs went from 100+ to high 60’s. Seriously. It feels like Fall (or late Spring). The temps are dropping to the low 40’s at night. AJ and KJ are sleeping in their long sleeved PJ’s again. The “experts” say this is just a mild interruption and the hot hot weather will be back soon. I hope not. I am ready for rain again.
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KJ turned 4 on the 28th of July. I was expecting her to mellow a bit as she crept closer to 4. I hear everyone else is mellowing as that magical number is near. Us? Not so lucky. She has gotten so hot headed lately. She will scream violently until she is red faced shaking her finger in my face is I do something as minor as ask her to wash her hair. Heaven forbid I walk into a room and not acknowledge her. That will cause a full blown tantrum with screams of “Why you no love me!!!” and end with her trowing herself into my legs begging me to be her best friend.

It is very hard to deal with her when she is like that. It was just once a week or so, but since she turned 4 it is EVERY DAY> Multiple times a day many occasions. Today (for example) she said she was tired. I offered to snuggle with her and we could both nap. That led to an hour and a half scream fest that ended with her crying herself to sleep. By then I was beyond the nap stage and so I let her sleep. Since it was late I woke her after about 45 minutes. She awoke screaming where she left off.

I do not know what to do with her or how to handle her. I want to pull my hair out. And to make matters worse it is ONLY with me. Nice huh.

I have to be OK

I have to be OK. I don’t have a choice. I have no choice to be anything but OK, and it pisses me off. I can not give in to the depression pushing at my temples. I can not unleash the anger that is building at me making my head want to pop off. I can not just up and walk away from everything without looking back because I have no choice but to be OK.

Someone has to be OK. Someone has to be the trooper, the one handling things well. Someone has to be strong for the kids. This time, that someone is me.

I have to be OK. I have to be an adult. For the first time in my life I can not choose the easy way out. For the first time I have to be accountable for each and every choice made that is presented before me, or suffer the consequences. For the first time in my life my life is hard because I have made it that way.

I have to be OK. I really have no other choice.

The Bunk Beds are Here

The bunk beds arrived Wednesday. We were able to put them together in just a few short hours. The kids were very excited the whole time and loved helping. They seem to really enjoy the ladder and take turns climbing up as fast as they can and laying on the top bunk. AJ insists the top bunk is for flying. KJ says the bottom bunk is underwater like the mermaids.

I think they would LOVE sleeping in the beds, if only it were cooler. Unfortunately we are having record breaking heat and the house is too warm for enjoyable sleep. Considering how hot the house is though, they have transitioned to the bunk beds well.

I am so happy they like their new beds and that the bunk beds is making it easier to not only share a room, but share make-believe play time together too.

KJ and AJ love their bunk beds

Today 34 = 20!!

If you have been a reader of my blog before, then you may remember a post I posted back in June. I posted on June 18th how I had lost 21 pounds since the first of May.

Well, today I stood on the scale and the weight loss is… 34 pounds!!! That means from the first of May through the 30th of July, I have lost 34 pounds, AKA 20% of my starting body weight! I am officially 1/5 less the person I was 3 months ago.

I feel so much better. I am less tired and I feel more flexible. I can play and dance with the kids longer and most importantly I am walking more confident. I am regaining my feisty attitude and I am opening up to people.

I know that my weight loss is helped by my thyroid medicine, and the medicine in turn is helping me to feel batter about myself too, but there is no denying I am becoming a better and more beautiful person each day for me and because of me.

All by myself…

I am all alone today. The kids are at the IL’s house. They are staying the night because the IL’s are heading out on a 6+ week cross country driving vacation. The kids have been gone only 3 hours and I miss them terribly.

I used to dream of alone time. I used to wish upon the brightest star that I would just get a little time to myself. Silly me. Now I have it and I am so very miserable.

Tomorrow is KJ’s 4th birthday. She will be spending it at IL’s house and I will be spending it at work. I get to see her again tomorrow night, but I will miss her “birth time” and most of the day with her. I don’t know why that “birth time” is so important, but every child every birthday so far I have felt a small twinge and suddenly became aware when the actual anniversary of their births was. AJ was born at 6:00pm and KJ was born at 7:53am. I will be at work when I feel the twinge and it will probably make me cry.

I have lots I can do around the house to keep me busy. I need to organize the kids toys and I have to go through boxes of stuff that has been sitting collecting dust and I have to start listing everything in the house that is mine and everything that is his. I have plenty to keep me busy, but I am instead sitting here in our empty house thinking how 4 years ago at about this time I was being told KJ would be coming tomorrow and scheduling a c-section and trying to give as much love as I could to AJ on his last day as an only child. I am flooded by so many memories I am almost overwhelmed by the past and at the same time floored by the present and future.

I have never been good at being alone. I need to have someone else here with me, even if it is sitting in silence. I have an almost physical need to be around other people. It is kind of ironic considering that I am extremely shy and when in a group of people I end to stick to the corner and only speak when spoken to.

Oh well. Pity party over. I will be back tomorrow with a happier post and a better outlook on life…and preferably NOT alone.

I’m Exhausted

I am exhausted. I say I am tired a lot. I also use drained a lot. However now I am EXHAUSTED.

I started working at MARSHmALLowS (I cant use their name but maybe you can read it in the writing) in October. I was hired on for part time. I did not realize how little time was part time. I was averaging between 8-12 hours a week (working 2-3 days) and it was not really worth my time to even show up.

I started looking for a better Job in late May. I promised myself and my family I would have a different job before June was over. Well on June 23rd I started a second part time job, this time at sTARGET.

While both places are retail, and pay barely over minimum wage, working both places has left me exhausted.

You see, as soon as I mentioned to MARSHmALLowS that I got a second job they upped my hours to about 25 a week. Since I had already accepted the sTARGET job (which is between 15-25 hours a week) and found I really liked it, I have been sacrificing to work both places.

I am working sTARGET Monday, Thursday and Saturday from 4am until done. I am on the unload team and we unload the trucks then stock the stores. We are done between anywhere from 9am to 1pm.

I am working MARSHmALLowS Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I am working in the back office 2-3 days a week and the service desk the other days. On Saturday I go to one job at 4am and come home for about 2 hours then go to the second job. I have not had a day off from BOTH places since before July began. I am EXHAUSTED.

I know my work is not extraordinarily hard, but the sTARGET job is physically demanding. That added with the hot temps, the early start times (4am 3 days a week, 6 am 3 days a week and one 9:30 start) and the fact I still have to spend time with my children while my husband is at work, as well as my duties around my house, I am totally exhausted.

Then throw into the mix the emotional beating I am going through. That coupled with everything else, it is a surprise I am still up and moving.

I was supposed to have this Sunday off for KJ’s 4th birthday party. However sTARGET scheduled me for an additional day and so I had to trade away my day-off so I could work without missing extra time for the week. The first of August starts a black out time period for both places so no requests for time off. I do not honestly know when my next total and complete day off will be.

I am not complaining about the work. Not at all. I am very good at my job and I am so very very blessed to have not one but two jobs in this economy. I just simply want a day to wake up and not get dressed and lounge around and not have to stand for 5+ hours and maybe spend time with the kids outside the house (go somewhere).

I am exhausted. It is 9:20 on a Friday night. Both kids are in bed, while not asleep they are being quiet. And I am sitting here trying to get my brain to shut off so I can attempt to get more than 5 hours of sleep.